Ron's All That
by LilyandArabella
Summary: Will be PG-13 in later chapters. It's a fic challenge that we made! This chapter runs along the same plotlines as She's All That, but the rest of the story is nothing like that. Very tongue-in-cheek. Lily's should be up, soon. And there's a new kid name Z


A/N: You clicked

A/N: You clicked! You clicked, you clicked, you clicked, you clicked! YAY!!! Ahem. So, I suppose you'll want a synopsis of this fic, right? Well, if you read our bio, you'd know that this is really a two-author pen name, but we decided for our first fics, we'd challenge each other. These were _my_ requirements:

Lily's Fic Challenge For Arabella

1. It has to include a quote from the Simpsons N'Sync episode

2. A mini brown daschound must bite someone's leg off

3. Hermione must highlight her hair and say that it's strawberry blonde

4. Someone has to play Gameboy, and Hermione has to tell them they can't

5. Voldemort must sing "Because I Got High" by Afro Man

6. Ginny must legally change her name to Taylor and date someone named Zack (We were watching "She's All That" that day.)

7. A salesperson must call Harry advertising the PT Cruiser

8. While Ron tries to seduce Hermione, Peaches and Cream must be playing in the background

9. Someone must be dared to talk casually to Snape

10. It cannot take place in a karaoke bar

Ten seemingly impossible-to-relate requirements. Well, I tried. Please review and tell me that I succeeded!

It was an ordinary day at Hogwarts. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were sitting around the common room, doing homework. Hermione and Harry both put down their quill and sighed, looking dreamily out the window. Ron smiled. _They must be thinking of me!_ To further inflate his ego, Ron asked Hermione and Harry, 

"What are you guys thinking about?"

They both sighed again and replied simultaneously, "Zack."

"Zack!?"

"Yeah, Zack. He's just so… dreamy!" Hermione said. "Every boy wants to be him and ever girl wants to lay him!"

"But he just transferred here a week ago!" Ron said, growing indignant at the outright worship-ness that Harry and Hermione were bestowing on the Californian transfer student. _They should be bestowing it on _me_!_

"And it's already a sure thing that Zack will be Prom King!" Harry said.

"We don't have a prom!" Ron said hotly.

"Wanna bet?" Hermione asked.

"I do!" Ludo Bagman came out of nowhere next to Ron, Hermione, and Harry's table. "Any takers? What about you, Harry? A galleon? Two galleons? A hundred? C'mon, I need this! Bet against the prom!"

"But I know that there will be a prom! Dumbledore announced it while Ron was taking a leak! He just wanted Zack to be Prom King sooo much!" Harry said, getting a wistful look on his face.

Just then, the portrait hole opened. In came in five horrendously ugly goblins. Ludo jumped into Ron's lap and wailed, "SAVE ME!!!" The goblins marched over to Ludo and started shouting in Gobbledegook. The only word Ron could understand was "make-out party".

"Lies! It's all lies!"

"How do you know? You can only say and comprehend the word 'Bladvak' in Gobbledegook!" Hermione explained.

"That's it! Bladvak! Bladvak! BLADVAK!" 

The goblins looked at each other with solemn expressions. Then they looked at Ludo at smiled evilly.

"Bladvak?" one of them said.

Ludo eagerly nodded his head. "Bladvak!"

The goblins snickered for quite a while, and all nodded again, each pulling something with a long handle out of their cute matching knapsacks. "_Bladvak." They showed off to Ludo the shining blades of the pick-axes before chasing Ludo around the common room, causing quite a commotion before they finally cornered him and chopped him up into bloody pieces._

"Well, I guess he's dead, then." Hermione observed, flicking the piece of Ludo Bagman's flesh of her robes.

"Yep." Said Harry.

"Yes-siree-bob." Ron agreed. "Well, the house-elves will clean him up without asking questions. No need to worry Dumbledore. Now, more about this prom…"

"Well, like I told Bagman, you were taking a leak when Dumbledore announced it. He said that dress robes were to be worn and not strewn on the floor of the hotel where it will be taking place. I think it's at the Hyatt." Harry said.

"Yes, that was a bit confusing, seeing as all of the other events that have taken place at Hogwarts were in the Great Hall. He's just asking for there to be some explicit scenes in this fic, in my opinion." Hermione stated.

"What on earth are you talking about, Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Oh, erm… nothing."

"I mean, what is Zack, if you take away the clothes and the attitude? Nothing but a bad Greco-Roman nude wrestler." Ron said.

"Well, he's got the clothes, and the attitude, which makes him… Zack." Hermione sighed.

"So, you both think that Zack is a sure bet for Prom King?" Ron asked.

"Definitely!" Harry and Hermione said at the exact same time. Again. Really, you shouldn't be surprised that they both say things at exactly the same time by now! Gosh! Back to the story.

"Is that so? What if I were to tell you that I could take any boy in Hogwarts and make _him Prom King?" Ron asked mischievously. _

"I'd widen my eyes, look shocked for a second, then laugh and grab your hand forcefully to shake it, and say, 'You're on!' Why?" Harry said.

"I can take any boy in Hogwarts and make him Prom King." Ron said.

Harry's eyes widened and he looked shocked for a second. Then he laughed and forcefully took Ron's hand to shake it. "You're on!" Harry said. 

Ron and Hermione smiled.

"Let's go shopping!" Hermione said. (A/N: As of now, I will stop quoting from She's All That. Oh, just one more.)

"How 'bout Mr. Rectal Archeology?" Hermione said, laughing at Neville, who was trying in vain to pull the seat of his robes out of his crack.

"No way!" Ron said "What about Dean?" 

"Nah, too easy. Everybody loves him." Harry informed Ron.

"What?! Since when?" Ron asked.

"Since he got cast to be on The Real World! You were taking a leak when Dean told us!" Harry said. (A/N: That's not really a quote, is it?)

"Oh. Well…" A thought suddenly struck Ron like a lightning bolt, like a frightened cheetah, like an angry mother, like a speeding midnight train to Georgia, like… 

"It goes on like this for quite a while." Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

"Like what, Hermione?" Harry asked with an inquisitive look on his face.

"Oh, erm… nothing."

"Anyway, what about me? I can make _myself into the Prom King! That is such a dope idea! It's slammin'! I mean, I'm just so freakin' brilliant, I scare myself!" Ron said, his ego returning to it's regular size._

"Does that qualify?" Harry asked Hermione, who was doing the math required for such a question on her fingers.

"Carry the five, square by 82… nope. But I want to make Ron Prom King now, anyway!"

"Yeah, me too! It'd show Zack who's boss!" Harry said.

"That's Dumbledore."

"Well, yeah, that's true… Okay, I just don't want to see Zack strutting around like he owns the place." Harry said.

"Excuse me," Ron said, his voice venomously low, "My father did not _strut. And neither do I."_

"I didn't say they did!" Harry said in a rush.

"Oh, okay!" Ron said, happy and smiley again.

"And, Harry, Zack _does own the place. His dad bought it from the Ministry, remember?"_

"Oh, right…"

Hermione took a deep breath. Ron, Prom King? It was near impossible. But she was determined, and, anyway, the teachers had been incredibly lazy about giving out homework lately, so it would give her something to do. She stroked Ron's head. "The first step, I think," she said "is your hair."

"My hair?!" Ron's eyebrows went up so high they almost disappeared into his hairline.

"Yes, your hair. We should dye it."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ron screamed. He started crying and flung himself to the floor, his body convulsing with each sob. "No, no, no, no, no, no…" 

"Hermione's right, Ron!!!" Harry said, also starting to tear, "It's just the way it has to be! If… if it makes you feel any better, we'll AL dye our hair."

"ALL*" Hermione said. "Typo, sorry."

"What are you talking about, Hermione?" Ron asked.

"Oh, erm… nothing."

"Well, I like Harry's idea. It would make me feel so much better if you both dyed your hair with me." Ron said, flashing a winning smile Hermione's way.

"No way in friggin' hell, Ron. I _hate hair dye. And I'm not the one who wants to be the ruler of Prom Court."_

"God, Hermione. What has gotten _in to you? First, you don't protest against the house elves cleaning up Ludo Bagman's bloody bits of corpse, then you don't even insist we tell Dumbledore about him, and now I think you just said 'No way in friggin' hell'. I'd say you weren't Hermione if I thought anyone could by some magical way make themselves look and talk just like you. But," Ron laughed at the very thought, "I'm safe, because, ha!, no such magical… let's say, potion… exists."_

"I'm Hermione, I assure you. Though I must say, I'm acting really out of character again." Hermione smacked her head. 

"And the real Hermione would do anything to help a friend, wouldn't she?" Ron said hopefully.

"The real Hermione wouldn't be outwitted by the likes of _you. I'm not dying my hair."_

"Okay, Hermione. We respect that." Harry said. He nodded at Ron.

"But, unfortunately… the tickle-monster doesn't!!!" And they proceeded to tickle Hermione until she screamed that if they gave her mercy she'd dye her friggin' hair.

"That concludes this chapter of Ron's All That." Hermione said.

"What are you talking to, Hermione?" Ron asked, putting on the latex gloves that were in the dye box.

"Oh, erm… nothing."

A/N: Is it just me, or do my fics get less funny each time I write one? I didn't plan on this to be chaptered, but it's just too long! Lily's chaptering hers, too. Now, if you thought this was horribly stupid, you have a right to say so! It's in that little box down there, see it? Yes, that one. Of course, I wouldn't mind hearing from those of you who thought it was funny either. PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE REVIEW!!!!


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